The Zen of Relationships

"Things are no as they appear, nor are hey otherwise." - The Lankavatara Sutra

Having "healthy" interpersonal relationships takes a lot of work and effort. It's just one more aspect and expression of Zen (translated as unification) practice. Right now I'm having what I'll call "emotional dislocation" with some people that I've been dealing with for quiet some time. My personal policy is "give more than you take," which as it turns out is a two edged sword. In one aspect it extends the practice and expression of compassion. On the other it provides a huge opportunity for people to take advantage of you, especially if their motivation is not he same. People can sometimes tend to take more then they give, depending on their mindset. In this situation, I have these people who are only willing to listen to me if it fits their agenda and goals. But if it doesn't then I'm largely ignored and pushed to the side. It's my personal "inconvenient truth."

My general reaction is to "be patient." It's probably not useful to drag ourself or others through life kicking and screaming. I keep thinking that they will catch on or change. But the reality is that they probably won't. They've been like this for as long as I've know them and they don't appear to be of the same mind as I am, in the sense of spiritual growth and development. Secretly, my guess is that they consider it my personal weakness. This brings up an obvious question, "So what will you do now?" My response is "I don't know." This is kinda like a life koan or riddle that I struggle with.

I keep practicing and looking for gaps and opportunities where things my have an opportunity to grow and change. I'm doing this even though it hurts right now. It's like sitting zazen and you have what we call "fire in the knee." I used to sit there and hope it would go away, but hope never moved the pain. It was only ceaseless effort and practice that caused a change. Then and only then did the pain stop.

I sometimes ask myself, "should I give up on them, they are not really interested in the way of life that I am engaged in?" But then I remember something Sogyal Rinpoche said. "You feel like you cannot go any further? Never give up. You feel like your heart is breaking? Never give up. You feel like you are making no progress in your life? Never give up. You feel like you are on the first step on a ten thousand mile journey? Keep walking and never give up. People are abusing you and not listening? Never give up that they will eventually not only hear the Dhrama but internalize it and later express it. Impossible change is possible. But lasting and meaningful change starts with oneself.

What seems like hell right now can turn into grace. This lifetime is only a moment. Moments change. And I will find a way to follow Eido Roshi's words, "unify your [own] heart." This journey is a process and not an event. But I am human and just can't wait for things to get better.

Paradox, Humor and Change,

Jaye Morris, Curator
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