A Difficult Relationship

The thought has been sticking with me, that we can have a very difficult relationship with the truth. For me, getting honest with myself has been and is quite a journey. There are so many things that I've thought, felt and believe that just flat our turned out not to be the truth. Why? Because I either consciously or unconsciously lied to myself. It happens. When we begin to recognize it, there and then is an opportunity to deal with it and do a little hose cleaning.

When I was about 14 years old, I got this thought in my head that went, "Jaye, your not a lovable person." I based this on some things that I thought was going on with my family and I. Once I had that locked into my head, I used that notion to justify negative behaviors and I kinda felt like a dog chasing his tail. Eventually when I was 20 years old, I came to a realization that "It's not you that makes me lovable. It's me. And if I want to become lovable to myself then I needed to think, act and behave in a way that support that notion. Guess what happened? Instantly my life got better and as a matter of fact it's been pretty much that way ever since.

The difficult relationship with the truth had to do with owning up to the fact that I was my own "iron wall," as we say in Zen. I can be and have been my own "Gateless Gate." That means that if things are going to change, I have to exercise so-called personal responsibility a evaporate my illusion, which I chose to do through my Zen Buddhist practice. Mind you, there are many paths, but this one seems to work for me. You might choose another and that's okay.

On this path that I follow, I am constantly reminded that, Impossible change is possible I just have to live at it. As we are living through what ever principles, it's important *not to give up.* No matter what happens *never give up.* Spiritual growth is not about the event, it's more about just engaging in the process. That counts for everything.

Gassho (In Gratitude),

Jaye Morris, Curator
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