Facing Ourselves

I think it's true to say that the most difficult challenge that most of us face is the one where we come to face the truth of ourselves. That's why at certain moments in my life, I've hidden myelf from zazen (meditation). Why? Nothing more than fear. Seeing and re-experiencing things that I may not have so-called "liked."

A great example that even after forty-two years that I recall is when I was playing cards with my grand-mother when I was 7 or 8 years old. I really wanted to win the game and I cheated. I wanted a so-called victory so badly that I was willing to break the rules. Instead the person that I admired greatly caught me. At that moment, I was very ashamed of myself. Embarrassed is not even a word that might cover my true feelings. That was a moment wherein my grandmother lost a little respect for me, even though I was a child.

Sitting in Zazen, sometimes this stuff bubbles to the surface. And what do we do then? Do we face these things? Do we run from them? Do we focus on our practice and ignore what has been living behind various corners in our mind? What are we to do?

When confronted with such things in my Zen practice, I ask "who is it that confronts me, here and now? Is it a ghost or something else? Did I receive the lesson that the memories wanted me to learn, so that I could grow forward?

In sitting on the Zafu, still as a tiger hunting its prey, we cut through the delusion. The answer for me in the example above was after getting off the Zafu one day an inner voice said, "Children make mistakes. The key is learning from missteps and making a new path for ourselves." At that moment, one more burden was laid-down and I was able to let-go of something that was no longer of use to me.

Zazen is a door which can be traveled through, rather that a barrier keeping us from something. This is something that I've seen overlooked. We really can come to the so-called "truth of ourselves," and as Eido Roshi once said, "Unify our Heart."

Gassho,

Jaye Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO