My spiritual pilgrimage started when I was about 7 years old. In rapid succession two of my close friends died. One friend, Joey when he was playing, got trapped inside of a “dumpster.” A dump truck picked up the container, he was not able to get out in time and lost his life. That was terribly shocking to me that he would be here in one moment and then gone in the next. My other childhood friend was Jackie. Still living in Pittsburgh, he invited me to go sledding, on a day we had gotten an incredible about of snow, but I declined, because of school work. He went any way. As sledded down the hill he spun out of control and went underneath a mail truck and died. As with Joey, it had the same effect. Compounding my feelings of sadness was that Jackie’s parents brought me some of his things and told me that he would have wanted me to have them. That incident formed a kind of earthquake in my 10-year-old mind.
Those experiences combined with the choppy water of having a father with multiple and severe chronic illnesses triggered something in me. A deep and nagging question formed within me. “If God is really loving and caring, how can there be so much that goes wrong?”
Throughout my life this was something that had been consistently on my mind. Though you might think it melodramatic, but I would think of these things and become physically ill. I experienced depression, anxiety and fear, because of a kind of gap in my consciousness that could not be filled. I had hopes that though various studies of books, intellectual and pharmacological endeavors, that eventually an answer would become self-evident and clear. The reality however was that no satisfying answer ever appeared. The end result was a tendency towards self-destructive behavior that also hurt a lot of other people that I cared about.
Eventually I had what can only be described as a “Dark Night of the Soul.” I would either find a solution or literally die. As Dharma arrangement would have it, the beginning of a solution appeared in the form of a Twelve Step Fellowship, similar to A.A. This was very important for me because it moved spirituality from a largely theoretical proposition to something that was measurable and tangible. I began the process to recover myself physically, mentally and spiritually.
After being in recovery for approximately 2-3 years, I met a visiting professor by the name of Dr. Jamie Campbell PhD. He was providing instruction on Eastern Philosophy and as it turns out Zen Buddhism. At one time he was a student of Roshi Philip Kapleau at Rochester Zen Center and later then Roshi Bodhin Kjolhede.
In a particular discussion that we had, he stated, “You know that if you practice Zen, the fundamental questions that you have on life and death can and will be answered. In fact, if you train well, you can actually know the truth as opposed to sitting in philosophy class, guessing at an answer. All you have to do is sit, but I might start with the book called – The Three Pillars of Zen.”
That was precisely what I did. Eventually, I decided to take an introduction to Zen weekend. I went to Rochester and learned how to sit and the basic practice, over the three days. It was very helpful and I continued to sit Zazen for about a year, on my own. The only thing I did was ceaselessly “count the breath.” Eventually, I felt like I wanted or was called for something more.
At one point I was reading a book called, “Journey of Awakening,” by Ram Dass. In the back was a listing of meditation centers. I decided to flip though the listing with my eyes closed. Wherever my finger landed, I would go there for training, no matter what would come of it. As Dharma arraignment would have it, my finger landed on Dai Bosatsu Zendo, Kongo Ji.
I went to DBZ for a week long stay. I was terribly excited, but immediately ran into the “buzz-saw” of the evening sit that lasted about 2-3 hours. Over the 3-4 days that I was there, I struggled. It was mostly pain, pain, pain and a fire in my right knee. But then again, there where moments of something that I could not measure or quantify. After I left, it was that unquantifiable sensation or experience that made me decide to see about returning as a student to train there.
Upon written application Junpo Denis Kelly Roshi, then Vice Abbott allowed me to come to DBZ and train. He ended the letter with something that has been a reoccurring theme of my life. He ended it with the words, “Come home soon.”
During that time at DBZ, Seigan Fudo Ed Glassing, became something of a guiding force in my training. I suppose I was just so awkward, that he took me under his wing. He was a kind of spiritual guardian, if nothing else but a great friend.
After leaving DBZ, I continued to practice with various Buddhist traditions. Periodically, I returned to DBZ for days or weeks at a time to train and practice. Eventually, my life responsibilities became so enlarged, I decided to continue to train, but on my own. I decided to focus myself on three things. I would practice Zazen, The Heart Sutra as my koan (Eido Tai Shimano Roshi once stated to me there is no difference between This and Mu) and the Ten Precepts.
With the “readiness of time,” I had a chance meeting with Genjo Marinello Osho, who as Dharma arraignment would have it was training with Eido Roshi, later receiving inka (Dharma Transmission). Many people talk about looking and seeking the so-called “right” teacher. I was fortunate that my teacher found me, in my everyday practice, as I wrote on day-to-day Zen on my blog.
With time, correspondence and thanks to that Dharma arraignment, I eventually became a student of Genjo Osho, taking Jukai and becoming lay ordained with him. Taking Jukai with Genjo Osho became very simple for me. In my practice of The Way, I am not yet complete. We are boundless like enso, just not yet complete. As it turns out, this is a great gift. Just being.
In the closing poem of that sesshin, Genjo Osho struck my heart, when he said...
Everything has its own light,
Seeing is no seeing,
Not seeing is seeing.
Followers of the Way, who sees?
Seagull sails effortlessly overhead
leaving no trace.
The sound of sutras float from
Listening Dharma Temple.
The clear peak of Mt. Rainier
makes an appearance.
The pilgrimage of unifying heart-mind continues, day-by-day. This is not just true for me, but you too, whether we understand it or not. Daily I practice, work with others and make every effort to make just a little progress in expressing my Buddhist vows. Words are only good if the result is taking positive action, in living out this opportunity called our life. Travel and live well.
Love All – Serve All – Every Single Day,
Jaye Seiho Morris