Scars to the Self

Over the past month or so, I’d been kidding around with people, when they make comments about me appearing smart or intelligent. My usual response had been, “True, I may be intellectually smart but, my emotional IQ is closer to 50, so that makes me pretty average.” I used that expression, to close what I perceived as a gap or distancing between I and who I’m talking with. Put simpler, we’re all pretty much the same. 

In one of many conversations, my mentor heard me say it, in a kind of reflexive action and said, “Stop saying that! I understand why you’re doing it, but self-devaluing or self-condemning expressions are not going to help you or those you’re trying to have a sense of comfort with. In fact, over time the self-depreciation will wound you, adding to the material you’ll need to heal from.” And so now, I have a new aspect of “Reverse origami,” to study, practice with and unfold.

Personally not to use self-deprecating humor is a pretty difficult thing, for me. Dare I say, that it’s an aspect of my mental programming, that after sitting with it for a while, I realized was not just to make others feel more comfortable with me. I also used it, so that I would feel more comfortable around to, so I didn’t feel different.  It’s like the story of a child who is incredibly insightful and intelligent. But to maintain the approval of friends, when asked a question by a teacher, they intentionally answer it with the wrong answer so as to look and appear the same as their friends. 

The fact is that the intellectually bright student is the same as their friends. It’s that their inner shining, nature, talent or creativity is expressed in a particular or specific way. Some have a creativity and intellect for drawing, and others ballet, golf, horseback riding, music, chemistry or business. Many talents that fit a need, enabling us to support and help to each other, exactly because our fundamental underlying nature is the same. 

I can remember a few moments in my life, when I was facing myself in the mirror, perhaps angry, depressed or extremely disappointed with myself, saying some pretty terrible things, directed at myself. Without pause, hesitation or reservation, I accepted and believe those words. I absorbed them into my being unfiltered and unchecked. It was planting a seed of condemnation that only helped to cement and limit my feeling and thinking in a way that restricted and my ability to see options and choices, that are always available to me. Whatever was said, the result was always precisely the same… It was an expression of what I call, “Unlove,” and feeling emotionally disconnected.  

My mentor, Kelly sometimes uses a “What could happen if you didn’t ________________,” question. What could or might happen if you stopped using self-devaluing humor. Is it possible to be funny, without, taking swipes at yourself? Is it possible that by stopping the negative humor about myself that I could possibly open a window of opportunity to see and feel myself differently than in the past? What’s really possible? The truth is that I genuinely cannot imagine, but some very cool possibilities are available. 

Happiness and self-caring is a skill, that takes some determined, directed, practice, just like sitting on a zafu (sitting cushion), focusing the mind, breath and posture of the body. It’s a relationship. I’ve been challenging myself and I’m going to continue that effort today of not using self-deprecating humor towards myself, but others as well. Today, no nicks and cuts… just discovering…  just finding out… looking, seeing, hearing and feeling what happens. 

This is an experiment, in personal growth. The only way to find and discover something new is to go beyond my patterns. It can be quite an awakening after we’ve been living our life, like we’re on an oval of a race track all of our life thinking, this is how I’m “supposed” to react, “This is what I’m supposed to feel,” or “This is how I’m supposed to respond.” There are perhaps two questions we can ask ourselves. One is “Are we sure?” The other is “How do we know, if we’re sticking to a pattern and not learning to live beyond them.”

PS… just because we’re trying to sometimes hold on to our patterns of behavior thinking that it’s keeping us safe, doesn’t mean that what we are thinking or feeling is true. By my own experience, I’ve noticed a lot of patterns within myself that more times than not, just keep suffering going. Time to go free. Time to experiment, test and see.

May We Practice Our Life Well,

Jaye Seiho Morris 淸峰, Curator
digitalZENDO

Comments

[Neal]

I know what you talk about using self-deprecating humor to try to fit in. However it seems to be such a common thing. I've even known our osho to use it. And I do think without it people across as a little robotic. On the other hand, there is such a thing as false humility. Figuring out how to "present" oneself is one of the toughest courses at Skillful Means College. ;-)

[Jaye Seiho Morris]

Yes, this can be a serious challenge, and I'm exploring it too. Anything in extremes, including twinkies, can have unintended results. I do sometimes connect what Kelly was saying with Margaret Cho, the comedian. She was talking about how, people would joke with her about being Korean or a lesbian, and she came to an understanding that, each time someone did that, created in opportunity to diminish or somehow reduce her. For me this is a behavioral and thought experiment and discover what happens.

Hands Palm to Palm,

~Seiho

[Neil]

Wow, this is a big subject matter for me, as I am very self-deprecating. In some ways, it is one of the basic ways I interact with others. I usually praise this type of humor because it is turned inward. I certainly prefer it to those who find humor by making fun of others. But I do realize that too much self-deprecation is unhealthy, and even disingenuous, used out of fear or a strong need to fit in.