Showing Up BIG

The other day, someone asked a question, in truth maybe a lot of people have of me. It was, “Why do you show up big for so many people? Are you looking for validation? Is it your arrogance? I don’t get it. Why are you so willing to give people a hand?” Without thought, I had a wave of emotion and the words came all by itself. I said, “The reason I make an effort to show up big? I know on a personal level what it feels like, when things are happening, especially the though stuff and people make choices not to, even when you ask them directly - sometimes. It’s the feeling of being scared, having anxiety, lonely, rejected, neglected, invalidated, unworthy, deprived. The usual result is I’d freeze or shutting down, because there’s a sense of invisibility. It just plain old hurt.”

I went on,  “Personally I never fix anything. Most of the time, I just point or help connect people to other resources, including themselves. I’m a support to people, more times than not. I get that. They might feel like in their time of need, they’re not going to be judged or slammed. That’s helpful. Who wants to be down, feeling crappy and have it confirmed, because they’re being judged for where they’re at the time? We need an assist up and out. We need a hand up. What are we trying to avoid? Taking one more punch, that could knock us down to our knees again. We can be a part of each other’s miracle, instead than each other’s misery. I feel like we’re too familiar with feeling wounded than feeling connected with grace.”

Tearing they said, “I can understand that. I never thought of it like that.” Replying, “Me too and I see your tears.” They asked, “Are you mad or hurt that I asked? That I thought you were egotistical?” I told them, “I get it more often than you might imagine.  Limited-mind-orientation, brings out skepticism and suspicion. It’s not because their bad, but because things are usually down to the animal level. I do this for you and now you owe me or want something from me. It’s based in confusion and fear, instead of showing up big for each other. Like I said before, more times than not, we show up small. It’s kind of how the mind and body get wired, though our rough experiences.  That awareness is what backs me off and look for something different. 

I continued, It works both ways. None of us are exempt. There have been times that I was dealing with someone and thinking I knew, what they were going to be like in a situation. Before they or I came through a door, I was holding back and getting small. In my head was negative message after negative message.  I thought I knew what was going to happen. The next thing I know… they come in… they show up big, positive, open and my contracting and holding back can stop. We discover a way forward and a better moment than the one that was going on before.

It was accepting the opening, instead than being stubborn, angry and shutdown, holding on to past negative emotions. That’s the trick. It’s putting the crap down. That’s the value of reflecting on what it means in being humble. When I’m practicing with honesty, open-mindedness and humility, I’m willing to show up different too. That’s our unicorn moment. One actually appears! The softer way to maybe say unicorn is miracle. 

When we’re stuck in our negativity and limited-mind orientation we ask, “Who or what kind of person would be to show up in the 360? Who’s the one to show up expecting nothing in return or get hurt but still willing to show up? People in that frame of mind tell themselves, that person would have to be either, “stupid, arrogant or just pain nuts. They must be weak.” 

To them, they might have a hope that someone like that might exist, but the confidence, comfort or faith is there really only about like 30 or 40 percent. That’s less than half of how they showed up for their pain. It’s not a 60, 70, 80, 90, let alone 100%. It’s like believing in unicorns or something. We say, “Wow that would be so cool if…” and stop looking and go dark, thinking and feeling this fear and pain is pretty much it and normal. 

The reality is that they are exactly that person who could show up too. It’s simply a choice. The belief is lacking, because we look back our experiences. We’re looking at all the choppiness and crap that we’ve done. We don’t feel like we’re being authentic or real. We don’t feel like we’re capable of loving in the 360 that in real life or fearful that someone will use it against us.  I sometimes make the exact same choice. It’s a moment-to-moment thing for all of us. And that’s what’s so great about choices. I might pick one thing now, decide or feel different and select something in he next.

What re-connects us to the energy and the ability to open? Some say God, the Universe, Dharma, Buddha-nature, Love or Compassion.  It doesn’t matter what we call it really. I just had learned it needed to be caring, loving and greater than my fears. When we get dinged up or contract, it pulls out the dents. It flows in, through, around and with us all the times. Whatever it is that’s showing up big for us, is just re-minding us, “Hey, you’re no other than compassion, no other than kindness, no other than Love itself. Our life needs us. Please decide to show up big too.”

In closing, I would put it as one of my friends did. " Showing up big, by it's very nature, demands nothing from the person you are showing up for. It's an act of love on the part of the person showing up, and warrants no direct return. The best way to repay it, if you feel you need to, is to do the same for others. You touch on it in that people are afraid both to show up and to accept someone showing up because they feel it necessitates some sort of payback, but that's the beauty of it - it's a gift. Also, maybe that we need to be reminded to show up big for ourselves too. It's so easy to be self-defeating, to judge ourselves, in the exact way that maybe we would never allow ourselves to judge others, but we deserve the gift of our own compassion as well."

~Happiness Can Be Today - Live It

Jaye Seiho Morris 淸峰, Curator
digitalZENDO

What Are We Accepting?

In each moment, there’s a question that is being answered through our thinking, feeling and actions. The question is always, “What am I accepting, in This very moment?” Based on what I’m accepting, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, can have a huge effect on what goes on in our lives physically.

The other day I was hanging out with a friend. We did what seemed like a simple activity. Standing at the end of a living room, I asked them to look themselves in the eyes and tell themselves, with sincerity, “I love you as YOU, just for today.” They stood there for a few moments. Their head went down. They told me it was stupid. They told me they didn’t want to do it. I responded, “This isn’t a want to. This is me, you were asked too. Please apply L.O.V.E. (Lots Of Voluntary Effort) to this present moment and give it a shot.

They looked at me and began to tear. They looked at themselves and head kinda went down, at a slant. They tried to say the words, but no sound came out and began crying. They said, “I don’t really feel like I love me. I don’t accept myself. That’s always been the hardest thing for me to do. I can accept and say I love other people. I can accept and say I love the God inside of me. But to say that I love myself… I’m not there... I’m not sure I ever have.” I looked them in the eye and said, “This could be one way of seeing how we can be very self-destructive at times. It’s pretty easy to destroy that which we don’t love. It’s for that reason, I’ve been practicing Zen and Twelve Steps for a very long time. To this day, I’m still healing and learning to love myself.” This is why I call my spiritual path “Reverse origami.”

We are unfolding experiences, beliefs, history and probably some wounds.  They’ve left us compressed, fearful, in shame, guilty, maybe hurt, jealous, maybe even envious or resentful of others. It’s living in a shadow. Sometimes we might get out of it for five or ten minutes. Maybe even a day, a week, a month or a year. But often we’re using some something outside of ourselves like drugs, work, relationships, shopping, food and other distractions, to hide the fact that we are feeling empty or invisible in some way. But the truth is that at some point we are going to have to meet ourselves.  There’s going to be a moment when the distractions, crap and procrastination stop working. It’s not if it will happen but when it happens.

My experience is that by living in fear, I felt kind of emotionally dead. I was a ghost or zombie. I didn’t feel entirely human. How else can I explain, the hurtful things that I was willing to do to myself and others when I was a teenager? I would wallow in my depression and anger, entertaining it like I was hosting a party, serving food and drinks to my confusion and fear. As a matter of fact, it got so bad and so dark, at one point as a teen, I tried to end my life on several occasions. Why would I be willing to do such a thing?  Simple. I was accepting fear and unlove, instead of positive acceptance and love.

In taking up a Spiritual path and learning to live through spiritual principles, we unfold our personal origami and re-mind ourselves of who we are. When my origami that is Seiho… Jaye… or whatever you want to call me is unfolded, I envision there’s a word written on the inside of that piece of emotional… psychological… spiritual paper. It’s a single word. Love. To me the word Love could very well be the same thing as saying, “Enlightenment,” or “Ceasing to be deluded.” It’s vast, open and free. It’s as my teacher Genjo Marinello Osho and so many others teach me. Blue sky mind.  Everything fits. Everything can be accepted open-heartedly and without fear, but with loving kindness and compassion.

Applying spiritual principles to our life isn’t mystical. It’s actually really simple.  Things like spending time with a Higher Power, in nature, playing with a pet like a cat or dog, healthy diet and exercise, hanging around people who are solution oriented and willing to unfold with us, reading books that are self-helping rather than mind-numbing, yoga and of course zazen (meditation), are all examples of having the opportunity to accept Love and compassion rather than unlove and fear.

If I’m accepting things in fear, I’m going to act negative. I’m going to start compressing and get smaller and smaller and smaller. If I’m accepting things in Love, I’m going to act positive. I’m going to relax, smile more and enjoy my moments and show up Big. It’s because I’m embracing the fact that I’m connected with more than just me. I’m connected to you and I find that pretty great, learning and discovering so much I never knew before. Paths such as Zen, Twelve Step Programs and other spiritual practices are not easy, by a long shot. But I can say with confidence, they are surely the Way Home. Happiness can be every day, but it depends on what I’m accepting.

Love All – Serve All – Every Single Day

Jaye Seiho Morris 淸峰, Curator
digitalZENDO

Limitless-Mind-Orientation

The other day, I heard Marianne Williamson say "Our resistance to Love is greater than our resistance to fear. Fear is what we know…. Limitation is what we know. Limitation is our comfort zone. It's an odd and bizarre comfort zone and place to live from." As soon as I heard it, there was a seamless connection, to my life experiences. Limited-Mind-Orientation. 

Limited-Mind-Orientation is connected to confusion. In our confusion about things we can feel powerless over, what might end up with feelings of fear, guilt, shame, anger, depression or anxiety. Any of these feelings can be a powerful fuel for what some call “Negative ego,” or in some circles “Self-centeredness” and “Self-obsession.” We’re perpetual arsonist, setting ourselves on fire, physically, mentally and spiritually. There’s often a high degree of suffering involved. And despite the pain, suffering and disconnections, we can get so messed up emotionally or become so fearful, we can think or feel that we can survive the unmanageability and refuse to let go of what’s hurting us. I’ve read many times, a specific sentence in a book I’m fond of that goes, “There’s a certain comfort, in old familiar pain.” 

What does limited-mind-orientation look like? Comically, when I looked at my past experiences, it wasn’t that hard. There have been times when I’ve said or felt things like, "I can't, you can't, It’s not fair, I've always been this way, they've always been like that, I'm not ready for _____, why would you do that for me, what are you gonna get out of this, you must want something back in return, I can't handle this, Do you have any idea what ____ did to me, I can only think of one thing right now," and pretty much any time we are engaging or entertaining our defects of character. It’s fear-based-living that gets has us showing up small in our life, instead of showing up big, settling for less that what we’re actually capable of. 

On the other side of the coin, there’s “Limitless-Mind-Orientation, that’s connected to discovery, happiness and courage. Life is lived more as smile than a frown. My feeling is that this is what Shunryu Suzki Roshi meant by “Zen-mind Beginners-mind.” It comes from perhaps “Positive ego,” setting it aside altogether or what some might say is “God, Higher-Power or Love Centered.” Instead of perpetual arsonist to others and ourselves, we’re more like perpetual firemen, focusing on spiritual principles like, surrender (letting go of everything we think we know or making ourselves available to the process of healing) physically, mentally and spiritually. It’s Loving-Kindness and compassion-based living. In Zen when would maybe call this Bodhisattva-Mind or Compassionate-Minded living.

When I was a kid, I was described by some as a kamikaze. I’d pretty much try any dare-devil act, strike up conversations with other kids I never met before, because I was excited to see what was going to happen. It’s because anything could and I had a “Don’t know mind,” everything was discovery. As I got older, I was described as “Introverted.” I didn’t want to meet other people or make serious connections with people, predicting it was going to end up bad and the experience would as my kids sometimes say, “Suck.” The reason why it sucked is cause I thought I knew everything and considered myself a card carrying member of psychic-friends-network. 

Since things are expected to go less than spectacular, we might give up and settle. At least that’s what I did, landing me square and chin deep in my addiction. Instead if living in self-caring and self-helping ways, we focus more on surviving and “Just getting by.” We end up on our knees, whether we realize it or not. We might have a dream, but we offer no effort or energy to make our dreams happen. Instead of showing up 100% to see if that’s where we’re supposed to be, we show up at 30 or 40% and complain that the world is against us, pretty much hating, loathing, despising, having anxiety and being depressed about almost everything and everybody. And without moving towards our dreams we naturally become emotionally, mentally and spiritually smaller, smaller and smaller. Things can get so bad that people can give up on life and just bump along until it’s over or end it intentionally, because they may feel so bad about themselves, circumstances or other reasons. 

Limitless-Mind-Orientation is about being at home to our "True-Nature," in the present moment. To arrive at Home to ourselves, takes continuous work and effort on our part. I hear people all the time people say, “I prayed, but nothing happened.” Which leads me to ask, did you work and co-create with your Higher Power? What did that look like? I only ask, because of what I friend once said to me. The guy said, “Pray like everything depends on God or your Higher Power, but please work like everything depends on you.” When I was told that, it was more than timely and things improved, because I moved out of limited-mind-orientation.

One thing I’ve heard repeated many times is that “There’s no point in dealing with our past. There’s nothing we can do about it now, so leave that crap where it is.” But my experience is, it’s not true. Our past experiences always have a way of seeping into our present moment, whether we want them to or not. Some of our reactions seem almost hardwired. This becomes the value of going back and working with our past. With the help and support of others, working through some (it doesn’t have to be all of our past experiences), the meaning of the things that happened to us can change. And if that changes for us, it can change how we respond to things in the present. That activity and action can help not only ourselves but many others, directly and indirectly.  

In our present moment, working on our relationship with spiritual principles, learning how to use them well, with the people, places and things we encounter, we can expand loving-kindness and compassion. Rather than having uphill battles, in our day-to-day lives, spiritual principles can improve our mental, emotional and spiritual balance by keeping us in discovery-mode or “Don’t know-minded.” Instead of repeating failure patterns, we make new and different mistakes. This in and of itself is like winning the super-bowl. It’s from that place, we can have a feeling of appreciation, gratitude, happiness, because we are learning so much and not being suffocated by situations and problems that never seem to have a real endpoint.

The nature of Zen… the unification of heart/mind… loving-kindness and compassion is to connect with limitless-mind-orientation. My teacher, Genjo Marinello Roshi sometimes calls this "Blue-sky Mind, It’s vast... open... free... unrestricited... unhindered... seamless... and your inherent True nature." Things may happen that may be hard and difficult, but those storms will not tear the sky, because limitless mind is so much bigger. We're already Home. All we have to do is open our heart and mind to It and live It, by "Surrendering," to that which is "Caring, Loving and Greater," than our limited-mind-Orientation. 

May Your Life Go Well,

Jaye Seiho Morris 淸峰, Curator
digitalZENDO

Easy Practice, Difficult Practice

The other day, I was listening to a Dharma talk entitled "Easy Practice, Difficult Practice," by Eshu-San Martin, Abbot of Victoria Zen Centre. For me, it was essentially, how to we live though those moment when it seems like circumstances come together, and rather we are aware or not, we find ourselves in the middle of very choppy water. Are we prepared for those moments as much as we could be or are we scrambling for a quick fix. His words meet this type of experience very well and are incredibly helpful. 

Eshu-San relates, "Consistency... regularity... stability in practice is what I emphasize over and over and over again. When hardship meets us, when difficulty meets us, when we find ourselves being stretched or challenged, it's my perspective that this is why we must practice (Zazen). We don't practice for the times when we're not in demand. We don't practice for the times when things are going smoothly and easily. We practice so that when the shit hits the fan, we are prepared. Not prepared like with a step-by-step plan. But our hearts, our minds, and our bodies are open to the possibility. We're willing to work with what arises in our lives. We're not shutting down out of fear, or out of anger, or and guilt; but we're open willing to embrace each moment of our lives as it arises, regardless of what it contains. 

So the short answer... How do you continue? How do you maintain your practice, when things are difficult is simply that you must maintain your practice... You must deepen your practice... You must engage with the practice of your life when things are easy."

I am very grateful that Eshu-San, kindly gave me permission to publish this transcription, from his Dharma talk. I hope that his talk encourages you forward and that you are able to meet your moment-to-moment present well.

May Your Life Go Well,

Jaye Seiho Morris 淸峰, Curator
digitalZENDO

What Is Buddha-Devil?

This Teisho by Genjo Marinello Osho was given at the Oct. 23rd half-day sesshin at Chobo-Ji. This talk examines The Book of Rinzai, Jishu Chapter 14.  Zen Master Rinzai is asked, "What is the buddha-devil?" It serves as a deep and clear look into how we use our mind to move within our day-to-day life, and maybe how that can help us or hurt us. 

It’s turning out to be a beautiful autumn day outside, While here we are on the inside, sitting in this basement Zendo, examining an ancient Zen master in China… Rinzai, talking about Buddha’s and devils. In some ways it would be better to be out raking leaves… riding bikes… or walking in the park. There’s something to be said though for borrowing and examining what this ancient tradition has to offer. And so we continue our examination of the Rinzai Roku (The Book of Rinzai) and see what we can gleen for ourselves… today, in our modern world in our current sangha… in our current home.

Someone asked the masters, “What is Buddha-Devil?” There is a hyphen between the two. What is Buddha? What is devil? But somehow in the asking, at least in the translation here by Eido Shimano Roshi, He doesn’t ask it as two separate questions, but relates it as “What is Buddha-Devil,” already implying that the questioner understands that there is a mix… an inseparable mix. 

We make these artificial distinctions between, up and down, hot and cold, right and wrong, light and dark, yin and yang, form and non-form, and life and death. In addition, we talk about Buddha and devil. From the Buddhist perspective it is hopefully understood that these are artificial distinctions and separations that our minds make, in order to communicate and negotiate the world and to protect ourselves, our own individual identity that comes up from our instincts for survival so that we know when this body leaves off and others begin. It’s essential to our survival, so we are programmed to divide… to discriminate, this from that, self from other, life from death, Buddha from devil. But even though we’re programmed to make these distinctions and divisions, we come to understand from a deep intuitive experience or insight, that these divisions are just relative, arbitrary separations of one indefinable, ungraspable, if we could say substance that doesn’t have a form, let a lone a name. To this question, “What is the Buddha-devil,” Rinzai replied, “One thought of doubt is the devil.” Doubt about what? One thought of doubt… concerning these divisions. In other words. If you take any of these divisions as real, that’s the real devil. 

If you think that you’re saintly or that you’re worthless or fundamentally flawed… if you think you’re a human being, as separate from other human beings as separate from other species, this thought that we’re separated individualities is the devil. This idea that we are discrete, separate individualities is the real devil. As soon as we start taking any division as real, that seed or that doubt, or that delusion is the real devil. 

He goes on to say, “But  if you get it…” the true meaning… that the ten thousand unborn Dharma’s and understand that mind itself is like a phantom and not even a spec of dust… not even a single Dharma exists and that everywhere is already purity… if you are not plagued by doubt or delusion… these arbitrary separations are real, then you will see everything as purity and everything as no Dharma, and this he says is “Buddha.”

So the real devil is not some demon with a pitch fork. The real devil is believing your conceptualizations to be real.  The real Buddha is believing or knowing that your conceptualizations are not real.  Knowing that your conceptualizations of good and bad, up and down, hot and cold, life and death, self and other, are not real is Buddha. Mistaking these separations as real is devil. But don’t you know that Buddha and devil are two aspects of one seamless soup reality. You couldn’t have one without the other.

You have often heard me say that confusion is pregnant clarity. Death is pregnant life. Formlessness is pregnant form… and life is pregnant death.  We call one pure and one defiled… or one hot and one cold… but according to this mountain monks view, there is no Buddha… no devil… no sentient being… no one to save… no past, no present, no tomorrow. If we really understand in this way, then there’s nothing to attain either and we’ve already arrived, even though we haven’t gone anywhere. No time is required. No practice is required. No realization is required. No gain is possible and no loss is possible. If we are really confident… our conceptualizations  are just that… our conceptualizations. 

If you’d like to hear the complete teisho (place that points to here the truth is), you can download it for free from either iTunes or the Choboji Podcast website. There’s something to be said for learning that we are always still learning, whether we realize it or not. The reality is not avoidable.

May We Show Up Well For Each Other Today,

Jaye Seiho Morris 淸峰, Curator
digitalZENDO