Natural Consequences

Yesterday someone close to me sent me an email. As they detailed the events, I was thinking, "wow - this is a horror story. What a craptacular day it must have been."

At the end of the email they said, "I have been listening to "Integrity" (Henry Cloud, PhD.) at night when I can't sleep. I am reading articles on the Internet to try and help my situation. I'm working with everybody, giving people credit when it is due and working to be the best [person] I can be and learn better ways to handle things. My head is pounding and I know I alone have to deal with this just wanted to share it will someone."

After reading that paragraph, my first thought was a visual of that bumper-sticker, "Mean People Suck." My second thought was that small truth that I live by, "you can do everything right, but things can still go wrong." I called the person and let them know that I empathized and that I believed in them.

As I was flipping their situation over in my mind, it reminded me of something that I see everyday. Namely people making decisions or behaving in ways that 90% of the time lead to a painful or frustrating outcome. It would be almost funny if the results weren't so tragic and life limiting.

Sometimes I get this thought that says, "Even if I was the last person on earth, it is still my obligation to do the right thing, no matter what. No matter what. No matter what." But that no matter what can come in a lot of different flavors.

Sometimes, it can be useful to allow people to run into a wall, to help them understand that universal laws apply to them. I call this "natural consequences." I actually learned this principle from my Mom and Dad. When I was a teenager and stuck in the hell of addiction, my father spent some time "enabling" me. My mom did that for a while too. But then at one point, she stopped. She didn't interfere with the natural consequences. She let me crash and burn. Not die, but crash and burn. Sometimes you have to burn a little to realize that you want to get out of the fire.

At the time I said to her, "what kind of mother are you? This ain't fair." She replied with, "I'm the kind of mother who knows that only you can convince yourself not to suffer over this." She held her ground. Guess what happened. I got better. Not only did I stop using, but I went through a spiritual change of direction, with the assistance of a Twelve Step Program and then later Rinzai Zen Buddhism. Things have been pretty great ever since then.

I use this example to say that sometimes expressions of integrity and compassion are not to interfere and let people flame out. we can let natural consequences effect changes that we would not be able to accomplish with others, in a million years. It gives them the opportunity to wake up and decide for themselves, who and what they really want to be. But after the fire, it's nice to be there to help them up, after they put their flames out.

No one can give us enlightenment, we have to activate it within ourselves. No one can taste and digest an apple pie for you. You have to do that one for yourself.

Paradox, Humor and Change,

Jaye Morris, Curator
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