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I have two daughters that I love very much. It's through that love for them that I find myself struggling with a single question that has become something of a "Koan," (Japanese. Place where the truth is). "Was that the right decision?"

As a parent the decisions and choices that we make frequently have unintended consequences that are not always obvious at first. A great example is my thirteen year old. She wanted to wear fingernail polish. Her mother sent her to me, to get final approval. I don't know what I was exactly thinking at the time or how I visualized it, but I said "yes." After all, what harm could a little fingernail polish do?

She and her mom trotted off to the store and that was that. But later when I saw her with the fingernail polish on, I realized that somehow it made her seem older. Later when we went to the mall, I noticed a guy who was obviously older checking my daughter. That's when I got that same terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, from the koan Mu. You feel like you can't go backwards and you cannot go forwards and now you are in the psychological vise-grip trying to figure out how to properly respond to the situation. I felt like I shouldn't have said yes to the fingernail polish. It was only then that the feeling and thought fully clarified in my head about how badly wanted my kid to be a kid. There's plenty of time to be a grown up later. We only have one childhood and should enjoy it as much as possible, without all the outside pressure of image and feeling like you have to look like Paris Hilton.

The next part of this "fingernail polish that could do no harm," episode came when I went back to my daughter and asked her what it meant to her. Her response took me back a little bit. She said, "wearing it makes me feel better about myself." My mind was spinning at that point. My Buddhist Mind was saying, "Self-esteem and happiness comes from oneself, not things that are on the outside." But here's where that tricky "koan," part comes in. If that's true, why was I so worried about potentially hurting her feelings or putting her on the defensive. Pretty good trap, huh? Can't go forwards, can't go backwards. A red hot iron ball in your throat and your stuck.

And that's when I got angry with myself and them. It was because I didn't know how to respond. I felt incompetent and foolish. I was thinking, if what I thought was a little situation can influence me to feel like this, what about the bigger issues? All the stuff that I know intellectually was useless. And when all that so-called "logic," is taken away, what will you do then at that moment? Genjo Osho once asked during a teisho "How many zero's go into one? The calculator says error. What do you do then?"

My current answer is simple. Do my very best in each moment. Be the best parent I can be and know that there are going to be moments and times, whether I like it or not that I will fall short of where I'd like to be, but understand that it's my responsibility to make "Right-effort." Make every effort to look for the best, rather than the worst. Be aware of and clear on my motivation. Do everything that I can to embrace my Buddhist vows. Be prepared to change my mind about some things, because nothing is certain.

Namaste'

Jaye Morris, Curator
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