Fear of Failure

The other day, I went to the grocery store to take care of the shopping for the week. The last section I went through was the bakery. As I looked around, I saw some fresh apple pies and decided to get one. Last evening after returning home, I thought it would be good to have a slice. But when I looked at the container, it said, "Peach Pie," not apple.

How'd that happen? Sure I could give you the standard trademarked answer of "problems with not being mindful," but this is not always the case. Sometimes we can reach out, clearly thinking that we are picking up one thing and another thing is mysteriously put in it's place. This happens all the time and it can serve as a great metaphor for our lives.

We continuously reach out, intent on getting one thing and almost always ending up with something other than what we were hoping for or intended. At times we end up with better than expected and other times... You know how that storyline can go.

There's a koan that asks, "You are at the top of a hundred foot flag pole, how would take one more step?" My intuitive answer, when I heard this was, "Step into the heart of being." I once asked my teacher about this and he replied, "Jump off into the ten directions." Agree, agree, agree. Though this expression can be figurative, sometimes It's literal.

I've been struggling with something I inadvertently picked up for about 3 years. I had been thinking and going back and forth in my head with, "Stick with the situation, it will probably change and get better." At other times I say, "Maybe this situation is your koan. Perhaps there's something that you're supposed to learn from this situation." And at other times, I hold on to it, acting like Linus from Peanuts, sucking my thumb and holding on to it like a blue security blanket. It's been vexing, to say the least.

Yesterday, my teachers words resurfaced. "Jump off into the Ten directions." Sometimes when we pick something up that's not what we meant, the simple no crap answer is very, very, simple. Let go... drop it... release it... All the mental gymnastics that I want to put myself through is not helping me. To unify one's heart, we must often times drop dead weight. In this way, we have an opportunity to fulfill our true purpose.

In order to pick up something that might be a more useful alternative, we might have to drop what we are currently holding. It's like holding a screw-driver and hammer at the same time, trying to make them work correctly. It has to be one or the other, but not both at the same time.

As I've sat and looked at the situation, the reason i have not made the change that I've needed to make has been a deep sense of fear. I hate failure. I hate to disappoint myself and others. But all that it just as my teacher says, "Crap!" A life based on fear is no life at all. In fact it's death itself.

I will be interested to see how I apply my current feeling and understanding of this lesson to my life. Wish me good skill!

Yours In Zen,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO

Comments

[Anonymous]

Good Luck!!