Growth and Relationships
Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 6:59AM More times than not, growth has been a choice in how I processed, filtered and made friends with my experiences, using them to better my life. To make substantive change, while not usually complex has required a certain amount of conscious commitment and working with my own mind.
A few years ago I had relapsed into smoking. I made a million and one excuses. I claimed anything from work stress to pressures of family life, to low self-esteem. When I made the decision to quit, I found something out. Even when I was telling myself that I didn't want cigarettes, I wanted them. To quit, I had to do more than say "no." I had to apply real pressure and leverage with myself, using the opportunity of a run-in with bronchitis to seize a moment and get off nicotine and stay off.
As I mentioned before, quitting smoking is not rocket science, you just stop. But it does take a high level of commitment and behavior modification, to stay stopped. The same principles apply for growth with ourselves and the relationships that we have with each other.
The most basic policy or value to hold if I want to have an opportunity for a healthy relationship is to be honest. We're not deflating or inflating occurrences, experiences and facts, just being straight ahead, as my teacher likes to say. No more and no less. The reason is simple. If I have a high degree of honesty with you, that can result in credibility. Credibility can contribute to comfort. Comfort can lend itself to having a deep level of intimacy and bonding which is really important to sustainable relationships. Without these principles, I don't recall or haven't seen a relationship that has been able to survive the ups and downs that occur in our day-to-day life.
Zen can help us realize the interconnected nature of our life, especially as it applies to relationships with other people. In that process we can notice that if there's no open-hearted, sincere commitment to growth, that we injure and weaken the connections that we have. We wound and poison our relationships, which undercuts the purpose of our life.
The principles and values that we hold important are not static. They are capable of infinite expansion and refining. By consistent, determined effort we can plant positive seeds within ourselves and growth is given an opportunity. We can know ourselves and others in an honest and open-hearted way, but as I said, that kind of life is a choice... and a personal one at that. On top of that, as I was painfully reminded recently, no one can make that choice for us. Though others can influence us, the fundamental call to growth must be within our heart-mind.
In every moment, each of has a choice about the person that we are willing to be. That choice determines our experience. Our choices can lead us towards growth improving the relationship that we have with ourselves and others, or we can simply go the other way hurting ourselves and others. Which way we decide to move is up to us.
May Your Life Go Well,
Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO
Reader Comments (2)
Yes, honesty and credibility -- but in close, intimate relationships, these need to be balanced with kindness in order to achieve that comfort you spoke of. I read an interview with Brad Blanton of the "Radical Honesty" book, and I thought it was no wonder that he works by himself now! (I wouldn't want to be friends with him.)
Miss Manners has it right that we need to moderate our individual impulses (e.g., toward honesty) with following the social conventions that make living in relationship run more smoothly. Such as, don't be grumpy to your family in the morning just because you're still sleepy and didn't get your coffee. The honesty guy would say, "I don't want to talk to you or listen to you," while the kindness person would say, "Good morning."
With a foundation of kindness, honesty becomes the road to trust and intimacy.
I find it easy to agree with the statement, "Honesty without compassion is brutality." ~Seiho