Zen of Relationships
Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 7:23AM Dare I say, the most difficult challenge that we may ever face is that of interpersonal relationships. When I encounter people, I recognize that not only am I facing the person who I'm in the presence of, but the condensed version of their entire life. That can bring with it some interesting twists and turns.
Like most, I've experienced serious hurt in my life, with regard to relationships. Never have truer words been spoken that we can attempt to do everything right and it still comes out wrong. It doesn't matter if that relationship is personal, business or otherwise.
Whether we like to admit it or not, every person comes with an agenda. Clear or hidden, it's always present, as we are built to be "goal directed." This leads me to ask, what's the person's agenda who is in front of me at this very moment? What's their aim? Is it the same as mine or different? Are they partnering or working with me in a way that's going to be healthy or will it be one of covert undermining? My general policy has been to be guardedly optimistic with people, but at the same time be conscious that relationships may not work out as I hope.
From my experiences, the heart of the challenge has to do with "Value systems" or what we care about as individuals and is it possible to harmonize with the things that are near and dear to another's heart. To harmonize, we sometimes have to leave our ego at the door, which can be extremely difficult. Dropping ego can make us feel really vulnerable and be somewhat disorienting. One might say it's like being a little out of character.
In facing the challenge of unifying value systems, harmonizing goals and agendas, I've noticed that while I can sometimes influence other people, I really cannot make them change in the fundamentals. That's on them.
To experience an measure of success, I have to come to the table as an honest partner? Am I listening, not just my ears, but my entire being? Am I focused on similarities or differences? If there is a past history between us, are we willing to allow each other to live down that past, coming to the situation with a clean slate?
Layered in with everything else that I've said, I have to be prepared to work on myself. If I come to the business or personal relationship thinking or feeling, I've got my act together and that you don't, that can cause me to act in ways that are not compassionate, trusting and hopeful. Without addressing myself, taking my personal inventory, examining what I'm doing and need to change and understand what I can learn from a person, the chances of failure in the relationship increase dramatically.
The Zen of relationships is harmonize, harmonize, harmonize, as best we can. And if there is no point which can be harmonized with, allow the relationship to dissolve without causing wounds or harm to another. Having that capacity and being able to follow it through can be a great act of compassion. As I said before, you can do everything right and it still comes out wrong. I don't enjoy this fact, but acceptance is sometimes acceptance.
Namaste'
Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO
Reader Comments (3)
Thanks for these thoughts, too.
>>Whether we like to admit it or not, every person comes with an agenda. Clear or hidden, it's always present, as we are built to be "goal directed." << I regularely ask patients what they expect from the visit – and lots of times people answer nothing, which isn’t true, but they didn’t think about their goals and expectations. Best I can do, is find out with them.
CU Lothar
Hmmm . . . I can't really do much about the other person. The only one I have some kind of control over is myself.
In the meeting of other, I like, more and more, to focus on the present moment. Letting go of past history, and expectations about future. This means being very aware, and centered. Lots of work on self.
As far as the outcome of the meeting, like anything else, who knows? Some good, some bad, all fluid . . .
Deep bow.
Marguerite,
I agree with you when you say, "We cannot do much..." and yet when we interact we can sometimes in helpful ways, influence, suggest, guide or harmonize. As humans I feel having a policy or caring and looking out for others is important. I feel like that could be imprinted on our DNA. If that's not true, then there is no point in practicing Buddhism.
You mentioned "Control." I've worked in and around that for a long time. Fundamentally, I don't believe we have control. my experience is that we are always in a process of managing or mis-managing situations... people... places... things...
When you say "In the meeting of other, I like, more and more, to focus on the present moment," I feel the strength of your words. In my learning to focus on the present moment, for me, it means hearing with the eyes... seeing with the ears... coming to experience the authenticity of each other, without all the pretenses. It's being Buddha to Buddha.
Again, I deeply appreciate your thoughts and your comments. They get me to reflect more deeply on my experiences. If we touch one thing, everything else in the web of interconnections is effected.
Yours In Zen,
~Seiho