digitalZENDO

Last night I was talking with someone who was struggling on the issue of making an apology. They said, "I'm finding it hard to apologize, because I'm afraid that they won't believe me." My response was, "We are powerless over whether or not someone will accept an apology. For me what is most essential is that if I make an apology, I feel like I need to harmonize my actions with my words. It's then that they and I may know the sincerity that I'm expressing. If this doesn't happen in the moment, then perhaps with time as my actions are more consistent, they may accept my effort to heal the wound or gap that stands between us."

This morning as I sat with the thoughts and feelings on "sincerity," and "apology," it clarified into a single principle of "Amends." In looking at the word amends, it means to heal or fix that which was once broken. For me it also means coming to understand what can sometimes cause me to create wounds or injuries with myself, others and the environment. That internal force is what I sometimes define as self-centeredness or self-obsession. To reduce hurting self and others, I have to address those particular traits.

The hardest aspect of Zazen (Sitting to unify the mind), is facing oneself on the black cushion. It can be difficult to see, hear, touch, taste and smell the results of some of our actions. To make progress, I've had to as Zen Master Dogen said, study myself. In the process of studying the self he then says to "Forget the self and in this way you will come to know enlightenment." My current feeling is that the self that he's talking about forgetting... dissolving... is the self-centered, self-obsessed tendencies that raise ten-thousand barriers in our life, creating brokenness, gaps, injuries, wounds and at times heartbreak.

In learning breath by breath to unify heart-mind, my experience is that the grip of self-centeredness and self-obsession are lessened. Once lessened it can become much easier to harmonize our words and actions, bringing forth a kind of healing that can remove the gaps and problems that we can sometimes create, with ourselves and others. It's from that place that true amends (changes in mentality and behavior) can bloom.

In my life, I have to admit, I've managed to do some things large and small that require an apology, so that I can feel right with myself and others, reducing suffering and enabling me to live forward, rather than backwards. But the only this can sincerely be completed is by diligently working to unify or heart-mind.

Love All - Serve All - Every Single Day,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO