A Tiger By The Tail
Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 7:37AM The recent events of Tiger Woods is a kind of circular and illustrative lesson. The question is what lessons are we learning? Is it the narrow or the wider ones? Do we see that we are "Perfectly imperfect?"
There's the obvious part that people want to gossip about, around the water cooler, cubical or coffee shop. It's about the word "transgressions," and "not living up to values," etc... Now people can ratchet up and flip the whole situation into, "he's dishonest, he lied, he's a bad person, how could he have ever done such a thing?" They're throwing stones at their own home.
The reminder and lesson for me is the "unrealistic expectations," trap. It's the one wherein there are really some who are "above," the normal grinds of day-to-day life. In the same statement, Tiger Woods says, "I'm human and I make mistakes." That's a very important part of the lesson. We are perfectly imperfect. We are the ones that elevated him to sub-god of golf status, making him a kind of super hero.
In my own life, I'd like to think that I'm the average guy. But despite that desire, because of Zen or even being ordained people sometimes place me a slightly different category. It's a classic trap. I always like to remind people, clean my house, wash the dishes, help out and clean the kitty litter too. On occasion (5% to 10% of the time) I get mad and like to argue. I have the ability to get my attention hooked by a situation or can feel cornered, wanting to push back against what thousand of years of genetic encoding sees as some kind of threat or attack. There's only three results, argue, run or pause. Pausing is usually the last thing that happens.
In one particular situation a person actually said to me, "You argue so well, how could you possibly be Buddhist? Does your teacher know about this skill?" My response at the time was, "Please don't associate Buddhism with doormat. I have no intention of being one." They returned a frown as I walked away.
I felt like what had happened was that I stepped outside a label, box, expectation and they attempted to manipulate me back into the box by using the sentence. I already know I'm perfectly imperfect. I know that I can make a mistake or act in a way that at one time that is not harmonized. But it's what we take and learn from those moments that matters, so that we can go back later, explore and improve upon or sense of person-hood.
I practice Zen not just because I am sure that there is a "blind Buddha," in me somewhere, but also because I am not always sure.
In my day-to-day life, I constantly think about my two daughters. I am consistently attempting to make the so-called "right" choices, hoping to influence or guide them into a life of happiness. But the truth is that situations will not always turn out perfectly. To further this point, I actually said to one of my daughters in a conversation, "I know I'm your dad and a lot of the times I might look or appear sure or certain, but that's not always so. I have my flaws, doubts and misgivings. I feel my job is not to make the mistake free life for you or I, but simply to do our best and when things come out it ways we may not prefer, correct it, because our character is correctable."
Personally, when I realize that I've put an unrealistic expectation on another person, I ask myself one simple thing. "Have you not made mistakes too? Look in the mirror and say it's not so." That's usually enough to bring me back down to earth, relax and relook to harmonize with the moment of turbulence. Perfectly imperfect. It's okay.
Does Tiger Woods have a mess on his hands? Yep, he sure does. Do we all have some sort of mess on our hands? Yep, we all certainly do (even the Pope). Can and will we learn from our personal failings? I have no idea, but I am hopeful. Will I personally embark on a path of personal growth and development, so that I have the opportunity to reduce or eliminate unskillful behaviors? Yes, I will. Can you let go of holding on to the Tigers tail? Done... at least for today.
Yours In Zen
Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO
Reader Comments (4)
I think of you as "feisty," Jaye, and I appreciate that quality, because I have it myself. It's learning to direct that feisty, combative energy toward a very active compassion -- that's the challenge of mindfulness.
As for Tiger Woods, remember that story about the old man who was asked the secret of his long marriage? Every morning he looks at himself in the mirror and says, “You ain’t no prize, neither!” That's a practical humility, and one that we can well apply when tempted to gossip about celebrities, or anyone, really.
Ellen,
Thank you for your comment. My basic point is, all beings perfectly imperfect. Despite that fact, we hold people up to standards sometimes that we do not apply to ourselves. Buddhism is about developing skillfulness, so that we can move away from the things which will distract us from being in the present moment.
Namaste'
~Seiho
Thank you Seiho, for this post. It is so easy to elevate our expectations for others, especially our spiritual teachers and guides, even if they don't label themselves that, to hold them to higher standards than ourselves. Another problem is holding ourselves to some idealized standard that we base on idealized standards of others. This is a huge ego trap for those of us following a spiritual path or teacher.
Then of course, we can start to BELIEVE that we are somehow worthy of that and then we do really start to stink:)
Thank you for your own humility which reminds me of mine.
Gassho!
If I had any illusions left about being perfect, family life sure took care of those. Particularly being a mother . . . I have found self-forgiveness to be a pretty handy quality! And a sense of humor also.
Deep bow,
marguerite