Reflecting On 2009

Given that this is the last day of the year, I wanted to reflect on some experiences. I find myself coming to a deeper understanding of when Genjo Marinello Osho said, "In the practice of our life, we will come to know the highest of highs and lowest of lows." True is True.

The best thing that happened for me this is year has really been something of a continuation. It's that of being a father. Though some people say they think I'm a smart person, I think the only thing I'm honestly smart about is the fact is that I have so much to learn, especially about being a father.  I must admit that this is one of the only areas of my life that I really knew how my decisions would turn out, because I want the best possible outcomes for my kids. Given that I lack the power of clairvoyance, my responsibility is to simply do the best I can in each moment.

For me there were a lot of people that I thought and feel well of who transitioned from this life. Each person was notable and left strong and clear impressions on my life. As these events occurred, I found myself deeply grateful for the time that was shared, things that I had learned about and from them, resolving to allow not just their memories of them, but their energy that they spent with me, take root and blossom within me.

The opportunity to take Jukai with Genjo Osho at Chobozenji, during Spring Sesshin was something that was completed with the readiness of time. Though I've trained for almost 19 years, it finally felt so-called "right-time," evinced Itself. Most people talk about "finding the right teacher." My gratitude is that my teacher found me. I genuinely do have the aspiration to fully embody Seiho and follow the Vows and Precepts well.

Over the past year, I have developed a special affection for those that I've met and shared time with not just in my day-to-day life, in the so-called analog world, but the digital world of twitter. Sharing time, discussing practice and general life material hasn't just been a fascinating process, but has amounted to something very tangible that has had a significant influence on my being. To those that I've been able to learn with, I'm extremely grateful.

With regard to the "lowest of lows," there have been and still are some extremely tough and challenging circumstances for me. Some of these things had left me at times vexed, confused, depressed, frustrated, angry and at times just feeling plain old helpless. I still have not mastered suffering without suffering, but that's why we practice.

Despite the psychological and emotional quicksand, Zen… that practice and effort to unify the mind and those I practice with, remain as a kind of rope that has kept me from giving up and sinking. Despite the low moments, it's the compassion and confidence in my genuine Buddha nature… Awakened Mind… Mu…, the open-hearted caring expressions of my teacher and dear friends that have sustained my being, teaching me dissolve and release the self-centered, self-devaluing feelings that might have otherwise swallowed my heart.

In those most difficult times, I can still hear the voice of Eido Shimano Roshi when he didn't just quote but embody "To dream the impossible dream… To fight the unbeatable foe... To bear with unbearable sorrow… To run where the brave dare not go…" It's let's me not that moving in to the coming year, I can face new highs and lows well, if I am willing to give of myself, fully to This life.

As we face the moments of the coming year, process and digest the past, high or low, may we remember that This time is the opportunity to have our best life. I wish you the happiness and well-being that I also wish for myself.

Yours In Zen,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO

Comments

[108zenbooks]

Thank you, Seiho. In the year that was, I began to understand that highs and lows were just transition points. Bracing for either only took me away from the respite available in the in-between.

Thank you for all you do here and everywhere. I wish you every fulfillment in the coming year. May our practice bring steadiness to all beings.

Genju