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Within myself, I have a theme or two which seem to keep repeating themselves, as though I was traveling in a circle. At times I get frustrated with myself, because I sometimes think to myself, "You're not done with this issue or topic yet? But you've been dealing with it since _____. Why aren't you through with this yet?" Other times I have environmental triggers, sometimes called anchors, that are able to powerfully pull me back to a specific moment it time, because I have not fully burned through or processed the event.

Despite some of these recurrent themes, perhaps the most important thing is not giving up. Process and digest, digest, digest. It's not (always) graceful or emotional ballet, but it still a kind of progress. Why? In observing myself and others, I have noticed that on some issues that were recurrent themes, sometimes a person digested them enough, that all of the sudden, there was a kind of quantum leap that occurred (e.g spiritual awakening or insight) and they really moved beyond the limitation of that circular theme.

Before I entered recovery from active addiction to drugs, I had actually gone to ten other treatment centers. In fact by the time I was twenty-one years old, no one in my family thought I could actually do it, yet here I am heading towards twenty-two years clean, as of today. But even better than not using drugs any longer, I've had many opportunities for emotional and spiritual growth as well. It was a real hyper-jump for me. In fact, today when I see some people who knew me back then, they still think of me as one type of person, yet that person is no longer there. A major change had taken place. Perhaps the same looking body, but not the same contents or mind.

So how did it happen, if all the other previous attempts so-called "failed?" Was something special done the last time as opposed to the first time? Not really. People on a regular basis where telling me that it would be a good thing for me to stop using and pointing out where my life was unmanageable.

The big factor was "continuing exhaustion." Bit, by bit, I had to prepare, prepare, prepare myself for the so-called "final leap." That preparation was rehab ten times, repeated self-confrontation, repeated disappointment, just not giving up on myself. Then with the "readiness of time," here we are twenty-two years later. Married, kids, training in Zen on a daily basis, working and generally a pretty happy person.

Genjo Mariello Osho constantly reminds me, "exhaust, exhaust, exhaust." Put another way, no matter what happens, don't quit on ourselves, hang in there, persist. When you come upon one of your negative repeating themes... exhaust it a little more, each time you encounter it. This is the nature of practicing Zen and what it takes to unify our heart.

Gassho,

Jaye Morris, Curator
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