No Such Thing As Confusion

One of my friends a long-time ago told me, "There's no such thing as confusion, there are just things that I don't want to look at." I've been thinking about over the past few months, with regard to a specific issue. Then the other day, I listened to Genjo Marinello's teisho, "Yakusan's King of the Deer." At one point, Genjo Osho says something to the effect, "It's like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. The peices are all out on the table, in front of us. Zen training (specifically koans) help us to put the pieces together."

The issue that I've been resisting is a "Family Reunion," which is to be held this summer in Pittsburgh. My mother has really been on the case with me, but on this one I've been bobbing and weaving like a professional boxer. I've been telling myself there was some sort of vague reason why I have not wanted to go. I'd been asking myself, "why do you feel so confused over this?" As I've been immersing myself more in my Zen training, I've noticed that I'm not actually confused. What has been really going on is that I didn't want to own-up or state why I've been resisting.

Buddhistically I recognize that we are all connected and there's no separation, on another side of the coin, I feel like I don't really know these people... despite the fact that we are related by blood, I don't sense or feel a need to know them personally. Spending roughly three (3) days with such a large group of people seems in one way kind of phony and I don't do phony very well.

So no I'm not actually confused. I suppose there is no such thing. We always know the truth. That being said, this is a kind of koan. If Kanzeon has many hands because so many people need help, how can I not honor my mothers request and not go? The other day when I talked with her on the phone, she said, "I know you. You don't really want to do this and your procrastinating. You're hoping the reunion disappears or something. it won't. You need to do this, because honestly this may be one of the last times that we as an entire family may be together. People are getting very old." Did I ever mention that my mother has a "black-belt" in guilt?

On this one, I'm going to do what Genjo Osho tells us to do. I'm going to "Go sit some more." Sure I will probably go, but I would like to connect with myself fully, understanding experimentally why I'm going to do it. After all, there is no such thing as confusion, just things that we don't want to look at.

May Your Life Go Well,

Jaye Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO

Comments

[chalip]

Hey Jaye...

I read this post the day you posted it and it kinda stuck with me. A few things occurred to me.

True, you may not "know" these people, but what is a family reunion for if not to connect with the people in your family. Though you may not know them, you may walk away knowing more.

What is your practice for if it keeps you separated from the people in your life?

To this you might say that most of them aren't really in your life, but some of them are and more of them could be.

I wonder if what is at the heart of your ambivalence is similar to what can be at the heart of mine when I'm avoiding my family (which I admittedly do from time to time). It is not because I don't know them, but rather because I'm so different from them.

99.9% of my family members are Christain. They are in love with Jesus and don't understand why I don't go to church. When I'm around them, sometimes it comes up. There are other differences too, which you might relate to...

But the Family Reunion is a dying thing. Our generation and the next is probably not going to keep them going. But there are opportunities that you could miss when your family doesn't get together.

My grandmother celebrated her 94th birthday recently and everyone who was down south got together for a party. My mom took the train down. I wasn't able to go because of work... but one of my cousins made this wonderful video interview of my grandmother. He asked questions that it never occurred to me to ask, about her childhood, about her education, about how she felt about her children and who they turned out to be. And watching that video made me appreciate her all the more... and made me wish that I was there.

Your family is an important sangha, and you are never above or beyond your family. And if you can't sit in a room and be real with your relatives, what is your practice worth?