F.E.A.R.

The other day, I was doing Zazen when a series of memories surfaced. It caught me off-guard, one because of their intensity and two because I didn't know how to react in a way that was helpful to myself... initially. That happens and it's all a part of the process.

For me what had seemed to compound or worsen the problem is that I mistakenly asked, "Why?" After talking with someone extremely close to me, he said, "Those kind of questions can never be answered." In fact they can create such a distraction that it actually interferes with my life on and off the meditation cushion, as I chase after such thoughts. Why questions can be (extremely) counter productive.

There's an acronym that I like that I call "F.E.A.R.," which means "False Evidence Appearing Real." Though we can stare something right in the face, it's possible to look and then we see something but in truth not know what it for what it is or is-not. But despite this not knowing, sometimes convince ourselves that we do.

Instead of asking "why," which then opens me to an emotional "bear-trap," the more helpful question for me is, "having had a specific set out experiences, how do I live forward in a healthy way, as opposed to living backwards, in an unhealthy way?" The reason I say this question is helpful is that he challenges me to squarely be in this present moment, this now and not some other where or when. What was it the Ram Dass based a lot of his life on? "Be Here Now."

The moment I was able to lock on to bringing my mind to the present, the "why" certain things happened became much smaller, more manageable and actually in one sense dissolved. And with that came a great relief as the painful feelings that I was having dissipated. I actually found myself saying, "The only time is Now," and could smile.

Last night and this morning when I did Zazen, I focused my mind squarely upon the practice my teacher had given me. When my mind wanted to "space out," think about things, go into planning mode or I got a little sleepy, I adjusting my gaze and came directly back to my practice and this moment. And as I did this, I felt better and more solid (physically, mentally and spiritually). I had regained my rudder, not allowing myself to be distracted by the mental chatter that's always there to throw us off track and take us off-coarse.

When I give into "F.E.A.R... false evidence appearing real," I will be stuck in physical, mental and emotional quicksand. This is a fact. And to me that is a kind of moving prison that we can take with us where-ever we go which can put a wall between us This present moment. I feel like that's the exact opposite of what our life is about.

May Your Life Go (Really) Well,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
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