A Shift In Feeling

The other day, I was listening to a Teisho with Genjo Marinello Osho that got me to thinking. In it, he talked about a notable "Shift," a change wherein everything looked, seemed and felt different. That got me to ask, the last year of interaction and training with Genjo Osho, had their been any shift in myself that I could notice.

As I scanned myself mentally, I was able to detect one that Is noticeable within me kind of easily. I've been embracing feelings. My mother used to tell me when I was younger, "You feel too much. You'd do better to put that aside." And because of this, I did. I focused my talent on using intellect to filter my every experience. It was more like being a like my brother, who I used to tease as being more Vulcan than Human. If I couldn't break someting down into a sequential logical process, I'd regard it as basically voodoo and would refuse to go there. Problems where solved by calculation and strategy, with minimal regard to feeling. It wasn't a false way of living, just lopsided. Things needed to make sense and add up, but not always. It was in this way that I could hold a certain feeling of safety and security.

Since re-engaging strongly in my Zen training with Genjo Osho, making it something more than just a routine exercise of just sitting, my brain has begun a process of recalibration. It hasn't been smooth and I have had some scary moments, but It has all been very necessary.

My shift has been in embracing my feelings and intuition and allowing them to be a much greater part of my daily living, rather than be relegated to the attic or storage locker. An excellent example involves my oldest daughter. She's very smart and has the strong capacity to grasp things fairly easily through logic. Though only 13 years old, she can take any computer platform and bend it to her will. I was thinking, "Boy this is great, another nerd in the house. I have a Vulcan with me, she can understand my universe."

That line of thinking led me to push her (possibly too) hard on accomplishing things, getting good grades and encouraging her strongly towards completing tasks. The background thought was that if she is able to max out her intellect, that would enable her to be financially secure and by that logic happy.

But after beginning my shift, I began asking her about how she "felt," as she was learning things as opposed to focusing only on her grades. I had deeper appreciation that my daughter's a human being, not a future monetary profit center for the capitalist machine. Her happiness with herself and what she's doing became of primary importance. It was a little after that, she picked up her bass guitar and began to embrace playing music. My first thought was, "It's not likely that she's going to make a million dollars that way." But my second thought was, "Man does she love playing bass. She'll sit in her room for hours to learn every part of a song, because she wants to share the experience so clearly."

Being part "Vulcan," myself I must admit I have a deep love of logic, but it will never teach me how to feel the world. Though feelings aren't facts, they do guide my physical, mental and spiritual compass. I don't get a sense of completion in my intellect the way that I do within my feelings. When I'm going though a koan, there is no intellect involved, It's something much, much bigger at play. Passing into a koan requires the ability to navigate from an intuitive space, so that we can see things another way.

Since I was 5, I've known that 1+1=2, but Zen has created an opening where I can experience, feel and know the synergy of how 1+1=4, through the birth and growth of my children. 1+1=2 is not always so.

Much of our universe can certainly be expressed in science, mathematics and logic. On the other hand, Seeing... really Seeing the Universe as it truly is, no calculator is necessary. In fact I don't recall the Buddha using one, but I have noticed that feeling intuitive sense of being through compassion, action, respect, empathy and an unconditional Love. As I mentioned yesterday, my daughters have proven that to me many times, not it just words but simple gesture and bearing.

This shift in feeling is not something that I was expecting. I thought there was nothing greater than logic. That's okay. Genjo Osho once asked "How many zeros go into one?" He himself answered, "The calculator goes error!" Logic is only a temporary ally. This expression seems so trivial, if I'm not connected to my feelings. But when I am, these words express the bottomless and vast Mind of the Buddha Itself.

Namaste'

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO