Beyond Doubt

In the "Book of Zen Master Rinzai Gigen Zenji," resides one my favorite passages which inspires me. Rinzai said, "Do you know where the disease lies which keeps you learners from reaching [true understanding]? It lies where you have no faith in your Self. When faith in your Self is lacking you find yourselves hurried by others in every possible way. At every encounter you are no longer your master; you are driven about by others this way and that."

Every time I read and reflect on these words, It's like the thunder that shakes the earth, because I so intimately know this sense of doubt. In another part of the Rinzai's book he said, "A doubt in your mind hardens itself like earth, and prevents your mind from thinking [feeling] freely."

Personally I cannot tell You how many times in the past that I have experienced doubt in myself, in my ability, in my worthiness to have this life. The sense of self-doubt can express itself and show up in many places in my life... if I'm not mindful.

In my teens and early twenties doubt was expressed in addictive drug use (including alcohol). In a wider range of my life anxiety, depression and anger was its expression. The relationship that I had with myself and others felt very disjointed. It was almost like a fear someone would someday walk up to me and say "You're a fake human being, You're not qualified to be here, get out, leave." During that time it was a pretty crippling experience, as I look back, because the self doubt bled into every aspect of my life. Hindsight is 20/20.

Doubt interestingly enough is what drove me to a spiritual solution. It's not something that came intellectually, but rather evinced Itself as an intuitive solution in resolving self-doubt. I will quickly remind that I translate the word "Zen," as "To unify Mind." This has been my path and this is my purpose, to Unify Mind. Though this can be done many ways, I've found a strong affinity for practicing Zen every where in my life. More directly Zazen (Sitting in Unification) on the sitting cushion, confronting myself, dissolving my doubts and silliness has allowed me to to something much more than survive. Zen has allowed me to Live and for that I'm grateful.

If I said to You, "We are Buddha (Awakened Mind) Itself," somewhere inside You will probably doubt me, cause you're not exactly feeling that way. Hell, I used to doubt that all the time too, despite years and years of practice. But despite the doubt and the lack of feeling It, that doesn't mean that it isn't true. It just means we are not understanding it.

When I used to study music, my teacher said, there are 3 distinct phases of development, not just in music but life as well. She said, "The 3 stages are 1) imitation, 2) assimilation and 3) Innovation." She went on to explain, "Imitation is where you basically pretend. Your going to do as I do. you'll hold the bow and violin as I hold it, play exactly as I play, move exactly as I move. There will be no deviation. With assimilation, You will build a comfort level and have made friends not just with the violin but the one who holds it. Eventually You won't just play the music, the music will play You and You'll really feel it, if You don't give up. Innovation is where You so fully embody not just the violin but music itself that You will find ways to express it that might look magical to others, but it's just being at home with You true self. Everything will be music."

When she said that I told myself, "She's nuts." Turns out that she wasn't. I needed to move through the stages to fully feel, understand and know what she meant. So too with our Zen practice and unifying with our Awakened Mind. It's not "Out there," somewhere else. It's right here, who we are all the time. And for me that's beyond doubt, thanks to the unrelenting guidance of my loving teacher. How about You?

Love All - Serve All - Every Single day,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
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