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Last night, one of my friends on twitter made a comment that went something to the effect of "Yes...the motivation is already there, however, I question whether my action was really helpful sometimes." Pow! I could totally relate to this and have known that spot in the road, many times.

I've had more than one experience where my focus and motivation was to do something so-called, "right." Despite the best efforts and intentions, things didn't turn out as I'd hoped or intended. Because things can so easily "back-fire," doubt can become an element of our consciousness. But what is this doubt that Haku'un Yasutani Roshi used to call one of the "Three pillars of Zen?"

Looking at it one way, my doubts reflect a mind that says, "I'm lacking confidence not just intellectually but emotionally too." If my doubts get well rooted (like a weed), anxiety, worry, indecision, hesitation, delay and stall tactics can appear. Everything and everyone becomes an intentional or accidental adversary.

The antidote can be found in the two other pillars of Zen (Unification). "Faith" and "Determination."

Faith or confidence in oneself can be enhanced or cultivated though the disciple of Zazen. In sitting, we come to know our own mind and understand what's inside the box of our mind and memories. In my personal experience there's been a lot of reconciling with what I thought was happening and the actual reality that transpired. Having a Zen teacher can be incredibly helpful.

Determination is that we are focused, not concentrated, on our practice. The dedicated focus is that we not only refuse to give up on ourselves, but others too. Genjo Marinello Osho has used any number of verbs, to guide those seeking "The Way." Combust... harmonize... dissolve... compost... merge... cut through... keisaku.... and Muuuuuuuu.

Years ago, when I was living at Dai Bosatsu Zendo, I heard Eido Shimano Roshi say, "In the long, long, life of the universe, we are not wasting our time. Stop worrying and fretting so much." I would think about that a lot, thinking how some of my actions could seem so frivolous or wasteful to me. But looking back over time, even when I thought I was not succeeding, it was only because I wasn't linking that moment to the larger stream of being and activity that I live in. I was isolating the instance not harmonizing and merging it with the bigger picture of my life. There was no perspective.

After some discussion my friend said, "Hence I remain steadfast on my cushion...not for myself but for all beings.." And my being responded with a, "Yes!" He remember our unending vow, we made the first time we cried at birth. It may have sounded like whaaaaaa whaaaaa whaaaaaa whaaaaaa. But it was actually saying, "However innumerable all beings are, we vow to help them all. However inexhaustible delusions or I vow to extinguish them all. However immeasurable Dharma teaching are, I vow to master them all. However endless the Buddha's Way is, I vow to follow it. When applied doubt melts like a block of ice, placed on the surface of the Sun.

Yours In Zen,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
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