Confidence For Life

Once I was talking with Genjo Marinello Osho, regarding something important to me. As moved through the discussion, he asked me, "Do you really believe it?" I replied, "Partially." He laughed and said, "I can understand that."

That "partially," statement had to do with not being (fully) confident or feeling as though I owned the situation or moment as mine. My experience is that there's no end to things that we may lack confidence in, but very few where we might even remotely feel as though we are the so called master, including our life.

When I used to play music professionally, it was an interesting challenge. You could have the right skill set, the practice time in, know all the material forwards and back, but if the mind was not settled... unified... in harmony, the result could be sound, but not music. It was an imitation or perhaps better to say an echo of music... not fully authentic. Some people can settle for that and be okay with it, but there are others who would prefer otherwise.

Over time, by practicing Zen, I now look back and see how I carried out my life was pretty much the same way. I felt like I had the skills of reading, writing, talking, walking, seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, but somehow it was just not fully my own. It was like being a ghost more than a so-called person.

That so-called "Ghost" feeling was the point where I felt like I lacked the confidence in who I was. I felt that my life and being was not my own, but 100% at the mercy of other people, places and things. The result at the time wasn't just the deflation of self-confidence, but in self-esteem as well. When that happens, everything can seem a bit scary. The practice of Awakening the Mind can and does cure this problem, but to know, you'll have to genuinely find out for yourself, though practice and time.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with some friends. It had to do with what I sometimes refer to as "theoretical physics buddhism." It's that kind of Buddhist practice that gets so far out and overly intellectual that words go there to die and connections with the heart easily missed or lost. Though I love to study and chant sutra's, reading books on an range of topics concerning growth, I understand the limitation of the words written on the page. They are reflections or at best an echo, but not the actual Awakened Mind. They can be someone else's experience but not my own.

It's worth noting that there are two basic ways that we can live out our life. It's nothing new to us. One is that of a spectator, watching a tv show or sports game at the sidelines. The other is what Zen Master Rinzai described at the "Master" of one's life. The part that *can* be new for us comes from the choices that we can make for our life. The choice has to do with being either a ghost within our life or a whole and completely awakened human being.

Lately I've been using the expression of "Blue-collar Zen." It's my way of saying "being in direct contact with the events, in front of us. Touching the Earth, feeling the cold air in our lungs, washing the dishes and understanding how they are not just inanimate objects, but can have a life of their own too. Mindful, present, conscious, alert, focused and aware. The time I've spent gardening, under my teachers direction has taught me more about my mind that the hundreds of books that I've read. There's no theory involved, just direct seeing and being. Nothing is being given. Nothing is being taken. Just being This. Just being the Middle.

The Zen that brings, "Confidence for Life," is how we are learning to be *This* very moment and no other. We aren't bothering to hold back and fake it. The ghost is dissolved and gone. As Thich Nhat Hanh say's, "We can arrive at our appointment life." This truly can be the best life that we've ever had. We just have to work hard and awaken to see it, clearly.

Unify Your Heart,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
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