Refusing Change

We all have people in our life, including ourselves that have things that need to be changed and yet we refuse. These so-called "Things that needed to be changed," come in all shapes, sizes, colors, textures, but they all serve exactly the same result. They cut the connection with our genuine heart of being, leaving a plastic figurine in it's place. Despite the fact that these things undermine the quality of our life, we can literally resist change, holding on and causing harm not just to ourselves, but others too.

Being specific those that we are close with, who stubbornly refuse to change, refuse to examine themselves or their life, what do we do? Do we stay? Do we go? Do we give up? Do we stick with it despite the refusal, possibly enabling their unsoundness of mind? How do we help those to change that refuse it? This is a very common and difficult challenge, and I face it myself with some who are in my life, at this very moment.

For many years now, I've said the words, "Shu Jo Mu Hen Seigan Do," which means, "However innumerable all beings are, I vow to help them all." It's my promise, my vow and my commitment. It's the focus of a directed mind. It tells me to be present with and for others, as close to 100% as I can, and push myself if necessary to do so. This is my way of unifying mind, not just on the cushion, but out in the traffic of my life.

Speaking of traffic we have these people that we ride with, in the vehicle of our lives. We both see and know the clearly displayed road signs, "Be honest and trust worthy, Communicate honestly, It's better to be a part of the solution rather than the problem, If you won't help - at least don't hurt, It's better to be caring - rather than uncaring." Those we are with may see these traffic signs, but being that they are at the steering wheel of their life, actively or passively can and do decide to turn away for for any number of reasons. We are powerless over the actions of others. Ouch.

These "reasons" are as Zen Master Rinzai described it, "Diseases of the Mind," causing mental and emotional instability to the extent that we find it difficult to master our "True," life. Today we call these same things, "Mind viruses," or "Memes." Damaging pieces of mental malware that cause us to act against ourselves and others.

Shunryu Suzuki, Roshi once said, "Zen Buddhism is a good house cleaning for the mind." Sometimes people decide they don't want to clean their house. It's as simple as that.

As I experience interactions with those who refuse to change, I find my first responsibility is to diligently carry my practice forward, carrying them in my mind in a way that is loving as possible. The second is to do my best to be open and available, whether they are "ready" for change or not. The truth however may be, that readiness for change may not come in this life time, but the next. The third thing is improve on not being distracted by the negatives that I see and feel. They might say, "I hate you, I'm angry with you, I like being destructive," but I can work to manage the emotional hook... "Shenpa," and remain emotional available as possible. And four, is to remember that life is not emotional ballet. Sometimes it's slam-dancing in the pit of life.

People can refuse change. It's their right and prerogative, but they may change their mind tomorrow too, so be ready. Talking with @Ohiobuddhist yesterday she said, "You can lead a horse to water, but can't make 'em float." True, true, true. But the nature of Zen Mind is unifying all Being in such a way that things which might not ordinarily float - in fact do, even stubborn horses, refusing to do so. Just as Jizo Bodhisattva. I wish you good skill as we work this out.

May Your Life Go Well,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO

Comments

[Dana Lisa]

Thank you for this lovely post. I linked to it on my Facebook page, because I wanted to share it with my Reiki community. In all practices where healing or self-improvement may be a by-product, we must be mindful and compassionate in the face of refusal by those we care for in our lives. And yet we must always try to help them when and if they want the help. It can be challenging to sit in that in-between space.

In gassho,
Dana Lisa Young
Dragonfly Reiki