The Skills of Unhappiness

I recently finished reading "Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill," by Matthieu Ricard. Initially I was skeptical of it. To my own surprise, I never really thought of happiness as a skill, but rather a result, based on something "favorable," happening. As I waded more deeply through his pages, words, experiences, reflections and practiced Zazen with them, the more clearly I was able to see and feel what happiness as a skill could mean. I noticed I did indeed miss something.

In the process of digesting Ricard's book, I noticed something else to in my range of vision. Looking back, though my experiences, I was able to see how my unhappiness was a cultivated skill too. Yikes! That had never occurred to me, up to that point. I had always felt like, my moments of unhappiness sprung out at me from behind a tree, car or wall, like something that happened "mystically," for no apparent reason.

As I sat with "Unhappiness as a Skill," I could clearly trace patterns that I either intentionally or accidentally nurtured, promising to leave a frown on my heart-mind. Upon examination, breath by breath, I was able to see and feel the skills of unhappiness. On top of that I noticed that I managed to invest a staggering amount of time and energy to not just be unhappy but to stay that way.

What was it that Gollum said in J.R.R. Tolkien's, Lord of the Rings. "My precious [the ego] is Trixy." Here are a few ways that I've been trixy with myself in the past, cultivating skills of unhappiness:

1. Focus on what was going wrong, ignoring and deleting was was going right.

2. Holding on to mental and emotional scripts/narratives leading and expressing unhappiness, without testing them to see if they are capable of being re-written, dissolved or even true.

3. Nurturing wounds and making tepid efforts in healing or cultivating happiness. As one friend put it, "Sometimes... not all the time... self pity is self-manipulation."

4. Isolating. An odd truth is that by getting out, sharing time and doing things that might be helpful to others tends to redirect my mind and emotions.

5. Poverty mentality. If our mind that has difficulty appreciating what is present, open and available in this very moment, unhappiness is guaranteed.

6. Self-Centeredness or self-obsessed thinking/feeling. The basis of not just survival but growth is based on the principle of We rather than me. We are interconnected and entangled, not just in this lifetime but far beyond time itself. I live with you, not without you. This is my most basic truth.

Most of what I'm describing would fit neatly under the heading of "Self-defeating behaviors." Thinking, feeling and actions that have the net-effect of chopping ourselves down like a tree. Skillful unhappiness is often reached by a cumulative effect, rarely a single instance or event. In the end we often call these things our "baggage."

Matthieu Ricard's, "Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill," is a worthy companion to share time with. Happiness is indeed a skill. We have a choice. Our life isn't "just happening," to or at us. We are influencing, shaping, cultivating and creating with our mind, all the time. We can Awaken our heart-mind. We can practice smiling, rather than practicing frowning. Developing the skills of happiness is doable, it simply requires practice.

May Your Life go Well,

Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO

Congratulations!

Congratulations to our very dear friends, Carla and Sean on their newborn daughter who came into the world today. Very wonderful and special moment indeed!

Namaste',

Jaye Morris & Family, Curator
digitalZENDO

Relationship failure

I have a friend currently going through a divorce. I know about 15-20 people who have been through a divorce which got me to thinking and asking why and how does it happen. The day they got married, I think they really meant what they expressed through their vows. It really looked like they wanted to be together, but then something changed (or in some cases didn't).

Though there are many contributing factors towards divorce or separation, there is one that stands out among the rest. I've been able to observe that a big part of the failure stemmed from "persona." Persona derives from latin, literally meaning "mask" or "disguise." So what happens is that we have people who encounter each other, holding themselves out to be who they truly aren't. They are kind of pretending. I don't think it's always a conscious thing, but what seems to happen is that when an individual can no longer sustain the mask/disguise the relationship collapses or wilts like a flower that has had the life drained from it.

Taking into account what I've just said, what contributes to the solution? Simple. Building our authentic character. Though a simple answer it can be difficult to live our life through honest communication, compassion, hope, respect, trust, empathy, openmindedness and so-forth.

Please keep in mind, there is no such thing as the "static relationship." We are either growing together or apart. But it all depends on if we are living the disguise or living through our true character. Divorce doesn't just happen to people by accident. One or both of the parties involved actually made it happen. By the same token, it can be amazingly difficult if one person wants the relationship more than the other person. When that happens it can look a lot like "hostage" taking. That's not even remotely healthy.

Relationships are certainly not emotional ballet. They are what they are. But for there to be even a remote shot of it working out, "the masks and disguises have to go."

Namaste'

Jaye Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO